chris is home. im falling in love again.

college sucks. im switching majors.

when one problem is solved, you just get smacked with another one.

long story, the end.

its been awhile. but i have a lot on my chest, mind and heart. i just need somewhere to let it out. and well this is a journal.

in just a few days i'll be seeing my boyfriend after 6 months of being without him. i have been counting down the months, days, hours and minutes for this day to come. i can tell that he has changed so much and it makes it even harder for me to wait. i miss him so much, hes like my other half. i know its hard for people to truly know what kind of guy he is because of his past, but i believe in putting the past behind us, focusing in the now, and waiting for future to unfold.

the plan was that i was gonna go with his parents to pick him up from his school and come back home with him. i have been informing my parents about this trip for the past two months, and neither of them fully told me NO. when i told my dad, he said nothing. and when i told my mom she told me she was worried about me missing school, but i reassured her that i would handle everything and i did, i told all my teachers and im handing everything that i need to in earlier. now they tell me that i can't go because its not good for a girl to go after the guy or something like that. but i just don't see a good enough reason for me not to go. im gonna try to talk to them before i leave, but im still going to go, but at least they know why i want to go and how imperative it is for me to this.

in the end im probably gonna go with or without their permission. im leaving in 7 days and they tell me this now?! ive been waiting for this day for 6 months. im packed, planned, and ready to go. in the end, i rather take the punishment than miss an opportunity.

on another stressful note, my parents are really keen on moving. their planning stuff but their not really telling us anything. im just worried that we do end up moving and i have to leave everything behind. i just don't know what to do really, i wanna move and start something new before i don't get a chance to, but then i also want to stay here and make a life of my own without my family. just live on my own and just live. but i can live over there too right?

school has been hectic, my sister just finished telling me a story about my father and it really hit me. i really should focus on school, but so much is going on in my life and i just can't. i have two major exams coming up and i need to do good on them or else.

ive been working out lately, i just want to look good for chris, for myself, and for the summer of course. i feel really good about myself, more than before, and when i run its like i leave all the problems and the stress behind and it makes me feel good.

all i want is for chris to come home. hopefully it will help me relax and relieve me from all my stress, so that i can focus more on my studies.

My sister helped me out a lot today, she told me to read Matthew 6:34

Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of its own, theres is no need to add to the troubles that each day already brings.

i don't know if its because im getting my period, i forgot when its suppose to come, but im really emo right now. im so low in the self esteem department that i just feel like crying. its no ones fault, not even mine. thats how sad it is, and i don't even know how to get myself out of this hole that i feel like im in right now. so many things are happeningallatonce and i just don't know how to take it in. If i take it in one at a time, i just take so long gettin depressed about it that i don't even think about the rest, which are equally important to reflect on. things i should be thinking about are not anywhere near my frontal lobe[abby] that i just can't even imagine how to solve all my problems.

Truthfully their not even problems, its the inevitable. Its the kind of things that are gonna happen no matter what i do about it. I guess the true problem is,

how am i gonna make it through it all

life just keeps on getting worse and worse for me.

i swear its a conspiracy, once you go over the hill and finally make it to being 18, you gotta try and get over the next hill to get to 21, only to await more drama, and more so-called life changes.

college is crap, it stresses me out and gives me gray hair. im constantly busy and people get mad at me when i have no time! shiet. i wake up early, go to school, only to get crappy parking even when im there an hour and a half before school. i get so-called hard teachers when its really the students fault to get grades that they get. i get annoying teachers that "metaphorically" push you to do your best. what the hell is that gonna do. and teachers who can't speak or write english, like when was it ever written/said that you can say/write the word "constan", or "saids", and im not hating, hating would be if he only did this rarely, but when you constantly write that, and don't fix it even though people advise you that its wrong. theres a problem. counselors don't do shiet. "im here to help" they say, "you can come to me if you need anything, even if its just to talk". BULL. its more like, tell me your problem about school, ill give you an answer, hurry up coz theres supposedly someone next. college is shit right now. when is the so-called college life gonna kick in? im not mad though, coz i did get a fresh bunch of friends who has been there through it all so far.

i've finally gotten my laptop, back to normal and set up. minus the dvd player program that it's suppose to come with. but whatever ill call dell later. registration for spring semester is coming up. im just trying to get through this semester.

moving up i think? in the employment ladder, recently occupying hollister at woodbridge. come visit, but don't ask for discounts, coz i don't even know how they fold clothes and shiet yet. so wait it out, before you come asking for favors. thanks.

painting chris' room is fun and the projects help me to let the stress out. don't really feel like talking about it, its a touchy subject. the months keep coming and the days are passing. but its hard to keep moving on when your not sure when the date your waiting for really is. makes sense?

plan tonight: go to sleep, catch some ZzZs, get some rest before another hectic and stressful day emerges.

actually happened: chilled with esh and tekae on my roof, at my spot, checking out stars and unexpectedly catch a glimpse of a shooting star, immediately wished on it and talked about interesting, helpful, and very enlighting topics. overall, better than my plan.

gnite.